Transformers 4, why it’s a Fucking Masterpiece

Written by El J Hause. Posted in Reviews

Let me just start by saying, Transformers 4 is a fucking masterpiece, the must see hit of 2014.

It’s like every 5 minutes of it was written by a different crazy person and then that shit-show was directed, unedited, by the product of Super Baiyan Michael Bay doing the fusion dance with another Super Michael Bay and then that Michael Bay was bitten by a radioactive, even worse Michael Bay from some nightmarish future. Every dreadful thing about the other 3 movies was turned up to 15 in this one.

It felt like they told the cast where the explosions were going to happen and to just say and do whatever in front of them. The jokes were all either meandering ad-libbed exchanges with no punchline, or a series of random nonsense punchlines with no set-up at all. I’m going to carry on in bullet point now, my brain is too frantic and high on fuckin’ ‘Merica to make any kind of sense otherwise. SPOILERS to follow:

• Marky Mark kills a grown man with a football.
• Marky Mark parries a blow from a 40 foot tall robot using a broadsword.
•  There’s an Oreos robot now.
•  My favorite dialogue of the movie:
  • Marky Mark: You can’t come in here, you don’t have a warrant!
  • CIA Guy: -rips off his douchebag shades- My FACE is my warrant!
• After another tedious emotional scene between Marky Mark and his daughter, my wife poked me in the ribs and then mimed beating off and jizzing at the screen.
• Optimus Prime will not kill humans. Unless they’re in cars.
• Fucking everything explodes. TJ Miller shows up and you think there may be a silver lining to this movie, and then he explodes.
• Their design team needs to hire at least 3 times as many Asians. Everything is so douchey and crass and inelegant and made up of a thousand shitty looking pieces. Speaking of which, all of the Asians in this movie know martial arts. They meet a random Chinese guy in an elevator and he can do “Fist of The North Star” punches.
• Most of the Transformers now have grotesque human faces, hair and/or beards, only made out of metal. It looks worse than I’m making it sound.

The many faces of Transformers 4 Actress, Nicola Peltz
• The female lead in this movie is bafflingly, even less likable than Megan Fox. She is 70% spray tan, 30% tears and permanently looks like she’s about to blow somebody. Breathe through your fucking nose! Oh and her boyfriend literally carries a copy of a statutory rape loophole in his wallet. I’m not joking.
• It’s the longest movie ever made. After the first 2 weeks of it, I asked my wife if it was ever going to end, or if we just lived here now.
• Marky Mark makes a lot of speeches, every one of them a huge “Fuck You” to logic.
• The Autobots fight their way into Stanley Tucci’s evil Steve Jobs factory to kill him, but then he’s mean to them, so they get sad and leave.
• 
  All of the Autobots are assholes now. Optimus Prime yells “I’ll kill you!” almost constantly and the Ken Watanabe one threatens to slit Bumblebee’s throat because he doesn’t like his eyes.
• Decepticons are now flying clouds of re-configurable nanocubes made of…-sigh-  “Transformium” (melted down Autobots).  The cubes can change into a handgun, wireless Beats By Dre speakers and Rainbow Dash, but they spend most of their time as sports sedans.
• Offensive Black Robot Jr. yells, “Free at last!” at one point.
• Transformers 4 isn’t quite the 3 hour blowjob to the US Armed Forces that the other 3 were, but Optimus Prime does end the movie by saying that the humans are just trying to “Be all that they can be”.  Again, I’m not joking.
• As much as we enjoyed it though, there was a table with Michael Bay’s exact target audience sitting behind us that cracked up at every shitty gag in the movie. There’s a scene where Bumblebee loses his grip on something and says “Uh-oh!” as he starts to fall; this dude nearly pissed himself laughing. I didn’t actually see the guy, but I’m pretty confident he was wearing a Tapout hoodie over an Affliction t-shirt.
• The Dinobots are legitimately badass, easily worth watching the movie for. There isn’t much of them, but there’s more of them than there is of Godzilla in Godzilla.

Now if you’ll excuse me, for some reason I feel the need to go pound some Bud Light and Red Bull in my American made car, eat some Oreos, take pictures of myself doing this on my Windows phone and rock out to some young people music on my Beats by Dre speakers, while wearing Oakley shades.
Transformers 4 on Rotten Tomatoes